WHEN GENDER STOPS TO MATTER, there is so much more depth possible in exploring and embracing the polarities of the feminine and masculine within myself.
This summer I dated a beautiful human being during his short term visit in Europe. For easy reading, I will use he/him/his pronouns, but he mostly identifies as queer (Queer is an umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or are not cisgender).
I never had an issue with people identifying as differently gendered than society would label them. Because why would I, right? Everyone should have the freedom to express themselves however feels true to them.
Though, being born as a person with a vagina and boobs and never feeling the need to question my gender as a woman, I think I will never really know what it’s like to have all the privileges that come with being cisgender (a term for people whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth).
But being bisexual for as long as I can remember, I never really got the concept of heteronormativity. I just liked some humans and I disliked others. For some I felt strong love in the form of friendship, for others, it felt more romantic feelings and sometimes there was a clear sexual attraction. But guess what?! They are not limited to either men or women for me. I didn’t choose these feelings. I am just open to feel whatever is true, and my intuition shows me what’s desired within a person. It happened that I also fell for people who are not even fitting in the male or female box. The whole gender concept just dissolves for me when it comes to love and attraction.
So back to the story of the human I started dating and playing with a few weeks ago. When we became more intimate we had already let go of the concept of stimulating genitals without discussing. I already knew the power of transfiguration and consecration of the body and sexual energy from my therapy work, but by both doing this during playing, we created magic to happen. A sacred space where our energies were melting and interacting.
In our most favourite sexy lingerie, we explored less known pleasure places on our bodies. We growled and bit each other like animals making love. We stroked energy bodies and cried together. We switched in dominating and submitting each other very playfully. We eye gazed. Ate chocolate. :) We often lost track of time or sleep. For hours and days.
During all of this with open hearts but without words, we expressed our love while we would shift energies constantly. We had consciously let go of the perception and conditioning of how our roles should be divided as a woman and man during sex. He would switch to his feminine (yin) side, while I was embodying my male (yang) energy. The stronger he would allow his feminine, the more masculine arose in me. Waw! And at one point all that energy got centred in my sex. It felt like I was growing an energetic penis and I had to ask him to take a break for a moment because I was getting frustrated and angry not knowing what to do with so much power in one place. Usually, I would feel my sexual energy spread all over my body and I would be able to surrender into that pleasure, but now I suddenly got so goal-oriented, feeling this sense of a penis, I felt a penetrating urge and it made me almost feel on the border of aggression. I cried in his arms, is this how most men feel during sex? Sometimes, I guess. Could be interesting to go back to it and find more balance.
He still desired to stay in his feminine energy and organically I joined him wanting to feel more softness in myself. And now we could have ‘lesbian sex’ we giggled while we were showering each other with so much care and sensuality.
He left the country. My heart is still open and in awe of what transformed in me and the deeper layer of conscious intimacy that has been touched.
Have you ever stayed open for switching masculine/feminine energy (we all have both in us) in your sensual play with your partner? What have you discovered?
Can you stay with an open mind and heart when you feel attraction, leaving behind your conditioning on genders?
When was the last time you played sexually for a longer time, without focussing on genitals?
You can answer just for yourself or in the comments.
Always exploring, always evolving & Yours dearly,
Picture of me by Potvliege Photography