I know the difference between ownership and love. It’s what a lot of people confuse to be the same. So when I came to that realisation a few years ago, I decided I would never demand from a person to be only mine. Even more, I could see the joy in seeing my partner happy, more than it made me feel bad.
So I had a few experiences with non-exclusive dating and oh, what was I happy to date a couple last month. Even though sometimes it is so hard to not let myself get hurt, to not become jealous or insecure… It still feels like the right thing to do. The most consciously developed way of relating (for me)...
So lately, I’ve been seeing this guy, who I knew was polyamorous. He already mentioned something about girlfriends, but I just didn’t ask any further. I believe I didn’t want it to be part of our reality. It has been such a rush since I’ve met him… The passion, the sexual energy, the magical spiritual dynamic when we spend time close and vulnerable with each other, it felt really special to me.
Because I knew I was leaving Germany in a few days, I didn’t even consider thinking about the future. --- It is just not possible. I don’t see it working. Let’s feel the moment. ---
This morning when I woke up, I found a few messages he had send me that night. They were about his girlfriends, it was just a funny, sexy, light conversation.
I stopped breathing.
So many questions running through my head.
My body shooting in flight mode. “Don’t go to him tonight. Break it now.”
Ego kicking in… “What the fuck am I doing here, this is not what you want, you want a man to choose you, …”
Fear. “You’re not good enough, he didn’t think of it as something special, …”
Victim mode! “See, all men are just here to use and abuse me… Here, this happens to me again…”
He felt my response. I shared some of my insecurities with him, we talked about it. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was just honest and I was just overwhelmed and confused. We stayed both open and vulnerable. Me being aware of my ego talking at moments, he aware that he caught me in the act of surprise. I believe that communication will make us move forward. In which direction, I don’t know yet.
Polyamory isn’t only about fun threesomes and open love.
It’s a continuous process and mirrors that show you how much you love yourself, the others, and care about labels & opinions. On some days polyamory is the most natural and easiest state of loving. On other days it can feel very confronting and you might feel hurt.
Embrace the ride!