I notice I’M COVID-NEWS NUMB lately.
I don’t feel much when I see messages about
the new numbers of hospital cases the amount of global death they claim related speculations about vaccinations in all directions prolonging of the government measurements consequences of the so called ‘lockdownparties’ plausible conspiracies etc.
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The thousands of messages that are passing by often make me feel nothing anymore.
Sometimes I read them, often I just scroll by.
There is shame involved with the ‘not feeling’
like I’m supposed to be…
Sad? Angry? Fearful? panicking? Hopeless?
And I know it’s okay to feel that way. It’s human.
But I just can’t allow myself 24/7 to move through these emotions.
At times during this year, darkness was destructive for my mental and physical health deeply.
At the moments that I did feel,
I was so touched by the grief and pain of the world and it was never inflicted by numbers displayed. Always about human sharings...
The pain of the clients whose love relationships and families I saw fall apart in front of my eyes because of the difficult circomstances it creates to relate.
The personal stories of family members who had to let go of loved ones who were dying in isolation because of covid, loneliness, or other reasons. For I see the gap becoming bigger for the wealthiest and the people and children living in poverty. For myself, letting go of the professional growth I had envisioned for this year and all the other entrepreneurs who find themselves struggling to keep their passionbabies alive. For the times I walk the streets, seeing everyone so used to and accepting with wearing the masks, feeling the panic rushing through my body, that they are right when they say this will become the new normal…
Oh, the tears I’ve shed for society, the planet and the world.
It is my desire to feel the truth the moment and whatever ‘is’.
But with this writing,
I want to remind myself and everyone who needs it, that what most of us are experiencing this time and in this situation is traumatic. It is chronically stressful.
And the longer this takes, the more ‘invisible’ it becomes in a way because we will start to accept this trauma as our new reality.
And that by accepting, avoiding, fawning, numbing, denying, fighting, … we are just trying to find a way to deal with a difficult situation.
And also that is human.
When I ask my heart, it says everything will be okay. And that this is necessary to create positive change for new world dynamics. That this will help me to move the core and the light of my work and of so many others from a more individualistic perspective to a more collective one. So is my heart in fawn-response? (fawning refers to a trauma response in which a person reverts to people-pleasing to diffuse conflict and re-establish a sense of safety.)
I don’t know.
The only thing I can admit to with my questions is the ‘Great Mystery’. And we’ll have to await their answer in time.
What I do know is, is that we’ll have one-mass PTSD to heal and recover from for the collective and personal trauma that’s moving us in the next years.
What I do know from working through previous trauma, is that it can help you grow.
I look forward to that growth. And I will make myself as ready as I can to support whoever needs it when we all come out of this.
From the deep love and understanding in my heart,