There's a shadow in me, that is growing in awareness... The one of a lone wolf girl that is used to protecting herself with big walls. She’s good at running with the pack and adapting to new tribes once in a while. A wandering, adventures spirit with great flexibility and social skills. It also kept her away from any attachments, to people, things, ideas and places. It allowed her to learn how to be independent and to love herself, deeper to the core.
At the same time, there is also a growing desire to be more connected, to feel more connected. To adjust my compass to the direction of my heart, beautiful people and every positive cell in any shape. Not to broaden my network, it’s already huge. But to deepen it from the inside. To be more devoted to ‘love’.
Every day I work with peoples trauma, scariest shadows and their best capacity to heal themselves. Doing this work feels like my calling, it’s what I love to do, and what brings me energy.
But working with bodies and all the different sides of people’s emotions and personalities show me my reflections. My clients are great teachers, even when they don’t know. They show me what triggers me, what scares me, numbs me, and heals me. I’m grateful for all these beautiful beings coming on my path and that you allow me to hold space for you in your process.
But there is one, the worst and best client I ever had… I just can’t stop investing my energy into this woman, even though it’s the toughest one for me to work with… Me. Because there is evil and love everywhere in the world, but I prefer to deal with what I see in the mirror every day.
I would be an irresponsible therapist for you if I would not want to look at myself sometimes. If I would not look up my own guides to see what I became to blind to see myself… That would bring up a sense of superiority, which is fucked up. We’re all on the path of growth, to each their own journey.
So here I am, sharing with you how looking at this shadow makes me angry sometimes. How it brings up unpleasant sensations, that I’m too often trying to avoid with the spirit of light and love. Pain and fear originated from childhood and growing up, from living life. But as devoted I am into the desire of feeling more connected, I want to share the same devotion of feeling what’s been hurting me and keeping me from what I want to experience.
Robert Masters states in his book Spiritual Bypassing, that anger is “the primary emotional state that functions to uphold our boundaries.” So when we feel anger, it’s an indication that something is wrong, a boundary has been crossed or a need is not being met. It’s not always just about our individual selves, either. Anger is the appropriate response to oppression.
Anger is also just a life fueling energy, like sexual energy can be, there to transform pain into pleasure, or numbness into expression.
Last May I already wrote something about my process of allowing anger to take space. (If you feel triggered by the topic, it’s worth checking this one again. And, I know many of you are. ;) As I said, my clients are my mirrors.)
And uh... Could you allow me to express my anger with you? Will you still love/see me the same? Or do you want me numb and quiet? Can you hold space for my rage? Would you join me with yours?
Because I’m sending it all up into the energy mail. There’s anger to my violaters, to the haters, to the oppressors, the ignorent, the climate-change deniers...
And to those who taught me men only love women who smile.