Sometimes I’m so fucking tired of it all.
Of showing up on social media. Being open and vulnerable, ready to connect. On building my own business. Living the dream! Having to do everything by myself. Selfloving over and over. Telling myself I need to learn happiness without the love of anyone else, but also believe that I can desire something isn’t bad and I should attract whatever it is that I like. Confusion all over, yay. Not knowing where to go next in my travels through the world. Having all the freedom in life is such an opportunity in finding the stability within myself. Knowing I have all the responsibility for my life. But not blaming myself, hey! Of taking care of my body, mind & soul all at the same time. Believing all the facts of how yoga, morning rituals, meditation and productivity apps help you to become more productive, zen, faster and beautiful at the same time. The power of positivity. ‘Love’ being the most powerful source.
The pressure to make my own happiness come true... It can make me so ANGRY sometimes.
But only for 90 seconds.
Because that’s how long an emotion in the body is really felt… the rest we just prolong with the drama in our minds.
But those 90 seconds anger, it’s supposed to be done with the little stuff I learned now. A train is late, I miss my connection. “Hmm, grmbl. Pause. Okay, I’ll make the best out of it. Alright.”
I’m learning now to not move past that so fast with the bigger deals. Like, how I received a random text this morning from a guy who sexually harassed me months ago. It made me angry. Thinking, how he still had the guts to text me and about what happened… And the response I gave myself was: ‘Minne, just breath, forgive and let go.” So I blocked him (emotionally and on my phone) and did that.
Or at least that’s what I thought I did.
The emotion was not properly acknowledged. So the rest of the day, I spend to NUMB myself. Running away from what happened or what I was really feeling. You can read this as eating my stomach overly full to fill up the emptiness I was feeling… not in my belly, but in my heart. Wrong organ. I know. I was watching Netflix to keep my brain occupied. Or distracted at least. And yeah, I did some work. Some professional stuff and some personal therapy I do to keep myself on track. But this shit has been repeating itself now for days and the results in my work are just disappointing.
It wasn’t about this guy. There will always be someone who triggers me somehow.
The issue is with me. And this is what rages me the most. I’m self-sabotaging myself… for the whole freaking day… BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THE ANGER.
Now I’m writing this, I feel it. This anger, which is actually more a sadness or pain… It’s overwhelming.
But so is the circle of self-sabotage! Because the more I procrastinate and, blame myself for it, I’ll procrastinate more and I’ll try to forget about it a bit more over and over with unhealthy patterns… the more the anger is pushed away.
I like to push it away. Pretend I don’t feel it. Convince me even from that for a while. Because it’s nice to be positive, grateful and loving in life. But more and more people who I care about keep telling me…
“Minne, it’s okay… You can be angry. You can be sad. I’ll still love you, maybe even more.”
I can see now how it enriches life. Because it’s part of it. You can’t see light without darkness.
But it’s hard for me to accept this facet of our emotional being.
Writing this text is a good step in the right direction I believe…
With this I would like to give myself permission to feel anger. Rage. Sadness. Anything. This will be received with gratefulnes to it's allowance, with nurture to my body with good foods and sensitive strokes on my own skin, and space to create from it.