I walk in his apartment with confidence, the sun is shining outside and I’m looking forward to surrendering to his hands bringing me pleasure. When I kiss him on the lips, he’s not very responsive, but I don’t think much of it.
I feel warm and sweaty from the walk to his place and I start taking my coat off when I plunge in his couch.
He’s standing 2-3 meters away from me, his arms are crossed and he’s leaning against the wall. I can’t help thinking how sexy he is when he’s looking at me with a mysterious darkness in his grey-greenish eyes and how that turns me on.
He opens his mouth, but I’m not hearing any sound coming out. “Minne…” he finally says. “We need to talk…” I feel a flinch in my stomach. Where is he going with this… Panic kicks in SO quickly. Then he continues “I think we should stop seeing each other. I think you’re getting the wrong expectations about us and I don’t want to hurt you. I think you’re great but also too intense for me, this is not the right moment in my life, ...” Silence.
“Wait,” I tell him and I can feel my heartbeat raising its pace. “I’m not like other girls in this. Are you thinking, because I told you last night how much I like you that now I want you to commit to me? Because I’m not interested in monogamy, or traditional relationship expectations, … Where do you get the feeling that I’m having expectations towards you?”
I stand up. I’m feeling confused and angry. Everything went so well between us. I was so proud I managed to stay IN THE MOMENT during all our dates and nights together. I was not dreaming of him being the father of my future children and building out a life together. No.
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I open my eyes. It’s still dark outside and the red light’s 20 cm from my pillow are screening 04:37. I hear deep breathing that isn’t my own and when I turn around I’m happy to realise he’s sleeping next to me and I just woke up from a nightmare. He slightly wakes up from my movement and grabs my hand, while continuing with his dreams, having no clue he was just in mine.
Sigh. It’s been the second time in a couple of weeks that I had a similar nightmare WHILE I was sleeping next to him. The first time I woke up dreaming he was abandoning me, he was holding me in his arms that part of the night!
I’ve always been intentional in remembering my dreams and seeing the messages of my unconscious in them. Here is a strong topic and it’s been knocking on my door.
I’m afraid of being abandoned. Afraid of being left alone and loneliness. It connects to some deeper beliefs of not feeling worthy of love and not feeling good enough. It’s a residue from pain in my childhood of being bullied and being left by my ‘friends’, it’s the old pain of ex-partners cheating on me and leaving me for other women. It’s the rejection of hearing all the time I’m ‘too much’ and too intense. Too intense in living, in loving, in feeling…
The last few years I’ve often shut myself down from real connections, afraid not for the connection itself, but afraid for what would come after. First I build up a strong sense of self-love, self-worth… I always told myself. And when it happened by accident that I created an amazing connection, I made sure in my lifestyle I was the one needing to break the contact because of moving to another country. I’ve been working a lot on healing those old pains and on changing those limiting beliefs. Only then I will attract the right partner and dare to open up for real commitment myself.
That’s when the Universe brought this beautiful soul in my life that I enjoy spending time with now. At the same time, I decided to live in Belgium again and settle down a bit… Last time we saw each other we talked about how we were seeing what we are having together. I told him I’m not madly in love, that I’m not expecting anything from ‘us’… the whole speech I gave in my dream. But, that yes. I do care for him. That I do really like him and that I feel we’re already having some sort of relationship. Because we’re RELATING to each other and we’re being so intimate, that feelings are undeniable for me.
It’s interesting that certain emotions and actions are only valid or allowed in a certain type of relationship. With a friend I can feel X, with family I’m allowed to do F but definitely not M, with a lover, I MUST do U, S, G, and feel J, E. But what if you want to mix or it doesn’t match?
So yeah, I’ve allowed myself to share my feelings with him and be vulnerable. Even though I feel fear of abandonment. I’ll continue to work on that. It’s been stuck too long in my cellular memory and I know it’s not possible to quickly fix, it’s an ongoing learning process. I'm not mentioning yet what a long journey I've already had on this this topic. One that also relationship and intimacy therapists go through. ;)
Minne Marlo www.compasstoconnection.com
Picture of me by Potvliege Photography