CONFESSION: I’m loosing some of
My memory. My strength. My fitness. My mobility. My carefree dreaming and planning. And so much more...
Maybe some of you know that I have an auto-immune thyroid condition, chronic viruses, and deficiencies for some years now. Over the years, most of the symptoms were limited to the inconvenience of gaining weight, being more easily tired, etc. I felt I caught it ‘early’ on and that with some months of treatment and a proper rest I would only get better.
Some years have passed now, and this year has been the worst when it comes to my health. I didn’t only gain more weight, but also a shitload of more symptoms. From eczema and severe PMS, to liver problems, daily nausea and vertigo.
On bad days - and this feels so scary to admit… I am too tired and/or have too many joints and muscle aches that I can’t walk around the supermarket without feeling I’m about to collapse. I simply can’t cook because of the pain in my fingers and having to stand up. I have such a huge brain fog and total memory loss, life, and my past become more and more of a huge black hole.
On days like that, I’m scared of where my body is leading me into… a wheelchair to get out of the house? Impacting my work to the level I have to stop completely?
On the other hand, I’ve come to a point with Compass to Connection where there is a beautiful client flow going on. I feel so grateful for that. On average I see 2-3 clients a day, making my work days all together around 4 to 6 hours of focus work. More is not possible at the moment for my energy levels to still bring the quality of care that my clients deserve.
I used to be working around 12 hours a day easily on all my passions, projects, while still traveling full-time. AND I LOVED IT! I was/am a creative ADHD’er, with a massive life-energy stream with a super ambitious future ahead.
I’m fucking sad that this feels so far away at the moment. I often feel grief for what I’m learning to accept and let go of. On occasional moments I’m so afraid of being ‘stuck' in this condition (and then being confused if I really feel this fear or if it’s part of the symptoms -anxiety, depression, mood swings are supposed to all be included in that party).
The worst is when I feel SHAME. Shame on not being healthy, while I help others to become more balanced. The shame of being able to read other bodies quite well in my practice, but often not understanding my own. The shame of teaching about unlimited life energy, but not having enough of it some days to make myself a freaking salad. The shame of complaining about my symptoms when others have it worse. Shame on not taking my symptoms seriously enough and minimizing what is going on. Shame my body might not be able to conceive and carry a child. Shame when I again totally forgot something important, mix things up or repeat myself and others around me, have noticed.
Shame I was able to hide, because in this covid-year so much was cancelled and we were isolated anyway. I would like to free myself from that shame by sharing so publicly. I’m not a superhuman. But I’m just super HUMAN, and after the personal and spiritual growth, I’ve had in the last years, a very humbling experience and bringing me deeper into integrity.
And I want to dream big with you because I have to get better. I’ve got books to write, mountains to climb, children to raise, and doggies to save. I want to continue to guide, inspire and meet clients. I want to host more workshops, retreats, play-parties, expand and grow without limitations. I HAVE SO MANY GOOD IDEAAAASSSS!
I can do this. With the support, I’m grateful for getting. I will continue to celebrate my small health improvements and successes. I surrender to what needs to happen. I rest when I need to. I choose to LIVE, even with still symptoms present. I intend to become totally symptom-free.
So for the months that will come, I will plan some events together with others, but not to the full extent that I can make all my promises come true in what my purpose is guiding me to do. (This summer I’ll still prioritize rest and healing.)
I want to ask for your patience and trust in my FULL come-back. An extended version of what you’ve seen from me yet! I want to ask you for your love and support when I’m hosting events again and I need some assistance. I hope you forgive and remind me if I forgot to answer your message or to my friends who I might not give enough attention. I still want to see your faces, if you feel called for one-one sessions with me. I’m doing everything I can to preserve enough energy and plan my calendar in such a way I’m able to give it my all when you’re in front of me. Still being able to do this is my passion and it is what drives me. That’s probably why I only rarely had to cancel or reschedule sessions so far.
Thank you for reading. For journeying with me. For seeing me, without projecting your own story and advice all the way into it.