My childhood dream was to become a musical star. It felt like heaven to me that someone came up one day with the idea to combine dancing, singing and acting all at once!
Since I was six I went to the dance school, not much later I joined a choir and eventually the theatre academy.
I must have been around eleven years old when I broke my leg. I couldn't follow the chores in the dance class anymore. I was first pretty relaxed about it, but it led to an incident with my family and the dance school that made me feel very ashamed. I never went back.
And I never really enjoyed dancing again in the following years. I just avoided it in all ways and would not even go out to clubs in my student time. Because there was no fun in it without the desire for me to dance. One of the consequences was that it would also keep me isolated from my peers...
The only times you could catch me dancing, was when I was working with kids. When I felt it was allowed to make a fool out of myself, I freaking rocked the macarena!
In the past few years, I've lost count of how many personal development courses I've done. In a whole lot of these, they want you to experience what it is to be present in your body, to express, to show yourself, to get out of your comfort zone etc. A whole bunch of reasons and benefits, to make us dance.
I would switch the button to the fool or inner child mode and give it my all. I opened up to enjoying this fully. People would compliment me and they were jealous on how much I was in contact with that inner child during dancing, because it looked so 'free'.
But I was not free. Not really. I was stuck in a pattern, of switching the mode to something I was comfortable with.
The young child in me who loved dancing still enjoyed it. But the woman in me, never even had a chance of growing into it. I didn’t allow it. I was afraid to be rejected, afraid to not be good enough. I was comparing myself constantly and I felt judged. I was scared of my own sensuality and terrified to be desired when looked at. I could give away control as a child to a parent, but not in a way a woman can surrender to a partner. At the same time there was nothing else I wanted more. To be able to surrender, to let go of the shame and the attachment to the insecurities around dancing I’ve been carrying for so long…
It took me many songs, many hours, many floors and many dance partners… but I’m finally able to completely drop the show, the fake smiles or confidence and softly tell the inner child there’s no need to come out.
I’m able to surrender in the music now. I can allow myself to be carried by a (wo)man I don’t even know while being blindfolded! My dance is now reflecting the woman I am in real life. I’m allowing myself to feel and express sadness, anger, and desire and lust during dancing. I don't mind to be watched when I dance now.
I love to dance naked in my bathroom, on the streets in the rain and just to celebrate every WIN I have in life.
No steps to learn or follow, just freeflow and ultimate surrendering! So happy I rediscovered dancing and transformed the trauma around it. Now it’s one of my main forms of expression!
Now my invitation for you: keep looking and tipping your toes into the things you feel ashamed or fearful about, there might be an underlying present waiting for you for when you’re ready to open up to it again too.