My orgasms come a bit weird (my partners tell me so)... For the first few years of sexual exploration, the only orgasm I could achieve was with the ‘full body’ type. It’s the only reference to orgasm that I had in real-life experience when I started to have sex. (Not knowing there are at least 7 different orgasms for female bodies.)
Even though I usually enjoyed the stimulation in and around my genitals a lot, it wouldn’t lead to orgasm as there was still a lot of armor that caused either numbness, irritation or pain after a while.
I didn’t come so easily or often, but I also wasn't aware of missing something as when I would have the full body-orgasm, it would be an amazing gift that could keep me energized and buzzing for a while.
Picture of me by Frédéric Cotman. Don't use it without our consent.
But after working with some trauma, body-awareness, yoni de-armoring, and learning about orgasms… (things I also offer now) New pathways have opened up for me and orgasming, in general, became more available to me.
But still, I can have pleasure play sessions for hours with a partner and not ‘come’. It’s not necessarily an issue, but as total sex-nerd, I started researching why on some days I can come multiple times very quickly, and on other days, it didn’t happen at all.
I found reason in the time of my cycle, the technique being used by myself or partner, and my ability to surrender and feel safe with a partner. Major importance! But…
My biggest blockage would be: shame to make a sound!
Even though ‘sound’ is one of the main tools that can be used for me to reach orgasm, I can only bring myself to it with limitations and restrictions of doing it softly. And thus also not opening up my body for the full potential of orgasm that allowing my vocal cords to vibrate intenser could bring me. I’m not even talking about a desire to scream from the top of my lungs but just allowing my breath to come with deep loud sighs as I sink deeper into my body is something I’m less and less comfortable with.
As I was moving a lot and changing places often, I didn’t care so much about ‘What others would think” and during retreat settings, I had let go of my conditioning to be silent. But now I’m renting long term for one year and getting to know how thin the floor space is with sound to my downstairs neighbor and how I forgot that if in the city, I can follow people’s conversations on the street, they can probably hear my moans as well… I’m suddenly super self-conscious about it and it brings attention to my head instead of my body.
I can’t fully relax when the windows are open or when I know people are home in the building.
“BECAUSE WHAT ABOUT MY REPUTATION?”
(As my practice is at the same address.)
But that’s such a silly thought if you think about it! I am afraid that people will realize that an intimacy-therapist has loud sex sometimes? LOL And the other way around that I almost didn’t want to share this blockage because I’m afraid that as a sex-therapist I can’t have any problems with sex to be good at my job? I am afraid of judgments that people will associate the sounds they hear from my room with the work I offer as a therapist and make conclusions on my ethical integrity professionally. Even though I fully believe there wouldn’t even be a morally wrong thing about being a sex-worker on the side… But still, there is a lot of own-placed fears and judgments about this that keep me from fully expanding and opening up in orgasms a lot of the time.
Even though I encourage my clients all the time to be vocal in their emotional expression when they are here! So double...
But really, what’s the deep-rooted shame in the sound of pleasure? Why is this so triggering as fuck for many people to hear others moan! I know for me that the message I got from my parents (with no bad intentions) when I was young with any emotional expression of anger, sadness, joy etc. they would make comments like: “Be quiet, the neighbors can hear you”.
So now I’m on the verge of either I become more comfortable with sounding (pleasure and emotional release) and of others to hear me, or I move to a place where there are no neighbors! Haha
Do you allow sound to move through you during sex? Do you notice how sound and orgasm are connected for you? What do you think if you hear others moan?
PS: I’m listening now to this library on loudspeakers as an in-between step of getting more comfortable. https://orgasmsoundlibrary.com/#gallery