Have you ever agreed to or even requested a certain touch or interaction where you felt a full YES, but a moment later, you felt very differently and it turned into a strong NO?
You agreed to receive a relaxing massage (either from a lover or professional) and it’s
feeling really good, until they touch a sour spot and it isn’t so relaxing anymore? or You asked your friend for a hug and enjoy it, but after 30 seconds it starts to become uncomfortable for you? or You expressed your desire to have oral sex with that partner and when you’re doing it, it doesn’t feel so yummy as you thought it would be? or Within impuls you want to kiss your best friend, but when your lips meet you suddenly realise you don’t want to share this type of intimacy with this person? or Your gynecologist says they are going to do an examination, but when the speculum comes at your opening, you feel your body scream no? ...
Pic of me by Frédéric Cotman, do not use without our consent.
Congratulations, you are really normal!
The comfort or desire of touch can swift in seconds!
How often did you express that change of mind (or body) so it could lead to stopping whatever you/they’re doing?
I can notice myself and others hold back so often in expressing that change of feeling.
So often we feel that whenever we consent or agree to something that we can’t revoke it!
we don’t want to reject that person or hurt their feelings. or We feel confused about the sudden change of inner direction and we have unlearned to trust it. or It has been patterned in us to not speak up or give a ‘no’. or It became more natural or easy to freeze, tolerate or numb the sensation than to ask to stop. or …
So what happens if we don’t say or physically express anything and allow this touch to continue?
Well, if you know how it feels to be emotionally betrayed by someone or they did something to you that made you lose trust in them… Like cheating or not showing up for a date...
It becomes harder the more it happens to get into connection with them right? (And when you’ve allowed this dynamic to play out more consistent without having expressed your boundaries or allowed others to cross them, your unconscious system may have connected love to abuse as an entangled unity.)
This exact same dynamic of distrust is also what happens with our own relation to our bodies when we allow seemingly small unwanted touch to happen. Our cells have the capacity to remember, and they’ll start to automatically respond in a ‘traumatized’ way (fight, flight, freeze and fawn), resulting in possible pain in the body, numbness, losing connection with desires and needs, stress, and even autoimmune disease and so much more. This can play out in really small ways and can grow so slowly if we continue to ignore our inner voice that we don’t realize the impact of this little moment when we allow discomfort to please the situation.
If you recognize yourself within these examples and you want to change this pattern, I invite you to give yourself the permission to continuously feel what your body needs and also express this. It’s VERY normal for something to feel good, but in seconds this might change, and know that all of that is OKAY and a healthy expression of our bodies voice. If the pattern is strong or healing of past experiences need to happen, you might want to find a therapist that works with embodiment to relearn to interpret your bodies signals and how to voice them. If you feel safe and called to work with me, this is part of the work I offer and I’m happy to assist you with, contact me to see how we can make this work (online or in Ghent).
Stay connected to your body when intimate!
Warm greetings from my work and education holiday in Berlin! ☀