This is another try for me to be real with you on social media that's full of bliss, light, multiple orgasms, succes and selling fast lifestyles.
The truth is, I’ve been really grumpy for a few days now.
As a therapist, coach, and person on a spiritual path, I’m often told how I should feel.
Happy, calm, peaceful, grateful, compassionate, loving, generous, joyful, balanced, brave, in-service, and patient.
And absolutely not: Angry, bothered by small things, selfish, anxious, irritable, depressed, self-critical, worried, jealous, resentful, impatient, reactive, stubborn, bored, unsatisfied.
You know what? I’m feeling all of those things.
We are conditioned to believe that being spiritual or a therapist (or any in-service job) is an adjective that is defined by certain qualities (all good ones). While of course with personal development and spiritual practice you can cultivate certain aspects in yourself; it is NOT a ticket to freedom from the full cocktail of human experiences and emotions.
We reject the moment because we don’t like how it is showing up, and in doing so, we reject ourselves as we actually are. We say this being and this ‘now’ are not welcome in this form.
And yet, this being and this now are what the present moment is made of.
It is only through the acceptance of the truth what is happening inside us, met with kindness and curiosity, that we can enter a space of loving presence.
Sometimes it takes a few hours or days for me (or weeks, months, or years) to get there over and over again. To ACCEPT, that all of these feelings are not making me less worthy of love, and that it is fine to claim what I need in those moments and that I'm not a trickster in my profession for feeling bad sometimes.
I'm OKAY for being angry
..at another therapist for holding retraumatizing methods on me during the first session with her, feeling annoyed by my partner for only showing up at 1 pm for the breakfast we would share while I was super hungry since 8 am, frustrated at a friend for advising me instead of just making me feel seen, feeling hopeless that the political shitshow is still going on and that I am supposed to view them as my leaders, being super cranky about all the stupid corona-rules that are still in act in my town, really grumpy at the weather for changing so hard so fast without adjusting time, craving sugar and carbs in my first days of a keto-detox, and probably some pms too and I could go on for another 20 reasons why I hated life for just a little bit and all I wanted to do was hide under a blanket, cry and growl at anyone who would come near me.
Just saying, that if you recognize yourself in any of this, great. I’m happy you’re human too. It’s probably not making me a bad therapist to feel shit on some days and also not a fraud on my own spiritual path.
I see you. I feel you.
Let’s be real together.
There are enough other days in the year I'm happy to be Goddess's and Kings together.
But not today. Okay?